When we found out we were pregnant in early June, we were ecstatic! If you've been following my story, you know we have been trying to have another child for over 3 years now. With losing Adora in July of 2017 and Theodore in November 2015 it has been extremely difficult for us. And finally we have our rainbow. But it isn't all unicorns and butterflies. Not at all.
See, from the experience I've seen from others, they get pregnant with their rainbow and seem to forget about their other babies. So naturally I thought getting pregnant and feeling the baby start moving and going to the appointments would be so exciting and ease the pain, if not eliminate it, from our loss. Boy was I wrong.
Here are 4 things no one told me could happen when conceiving after loss:
1. It is scary
Everytime I go to the bathroom I wipe and look. I am absolutely terrified of what might be on that tissue. It may sound gross, but if you've experienced loss, I bet you can relate. I half expect to see blood every. Single. Time. Even now at 21+ weeks I am still worried. You just never know.
2. It didn't take away the pain
I still mourn the deaths of our other two babies. I still think about them and wonder, why this one? What makes this baby more special than my other two? How is this fair? It may sound terrible. And I'm not sure if it is hormones or what, but I'm brutally honest here. I want to visit Theodore's grave still, he is still my baby too and deserved life. I read Adora's memorial tattoo almost every day. She deserved life too. It just doesn't seem fair to me, and it really isn't. I really wonder what their lives would be like right now. A little 3 year old and a 3 month old baby. Beautiful babies. Not that this baby isn't special, he truly is a blessing. But it is still hard some days to think about all of it together.
3. It's hard for me to enjoy
I thought that pregnancy after loss would be so much fun and I'd be adorable and life would be so happy. Actually, I am finding it extremely hard to be thrilled. I feel like I shouldn't get too excited or think about it to much because if I do, we will lose the baby. I've had my hopes dashed two times too many and just being happy makes me scared. I know it's an issue I have been working on, being positive and all that. But in all honesty, it has been difficult. I keep saying things like, when I hear the heartbeat, when I see them for the first time, when I hit second trimester I will let myself get excited. Each of those milestones have passed and I have yet to be able to allow myself that joy. It goes back to being scared. I am still very scared!
4. The grief comes back
I was dealing pretty well I thought with Theodore's loss until recently. I find myself being completely sad for what seems no reason but when digging into my heart, it is because of losing Adora and Theodore and the trauma and sadness that have followed me since. I thought for sure a rainbow baby would take away the deep grief and sadness but it hasn't. It has actually resurfaced those feelings quite immensely.
I have been going to counseling for quite some time to deal with the depression I have had due to the losses and for my own well being. Don't think I am seeing these things and not trying to fix them. I just really wanted to shed some light on the things others may be able to relate to when conceiving after loss. It is scary. It will be exciting and this baby deserves so much in life and I absolutely cannot wait to meet him. God has blessed me with a rainbow that a lot of women don't get. I have a beautiful 5 year old boy who is ecstatic about being a big brother. I hope if you are dealing with these that you know you are not alone. The feelings are legit. It is normal to be apprehensive and scared. God bless you.
