The Dates I Will Never Forget

You know how you have to write down people's birthdays on the calendar so you don't forget about it? Or even sometimes special days in your life, like your own birthday, or God forbid, your Anniversary! It happens all the time to me with a lot of things. But there are two dates I don't need to write down. Two dates that are burned into my memory so much so, that the days leading up to these dates are full of the memories they hold. Those two dates are 7-17-13 and 11-9-15; the days we lost Adora Ruby and Theodore Andrew.

As Theodore's "birthday" is approaching, I can't help but remember those horrible days. I started spotting on Halloween; right before we went out for trick-or-treating I saw it. Nine days later I was in the hospital being told I wouldn't be going home, that in fact I had an ectopic and they would be doing emergency surgery that night. The numbness I felt can't ever be matched. I vividly remember asking for pain medicine, not because my body physically hurt, but because my heart was sick. An ectopic is supposed to be painful so I played off of that. The worst part was that the morphine didn't touch the pain. It never reached that burning depth in my soul that was on fire. The cry that went out from my heart will never be forgotten. For we had not only lost one baby, but now another. One more dream smashed, ripped and literally cut out of me. I have major scars on my abdomen that will always remind me of that haunting day. I'll never forget the after math of the surgery; not being able to go to the bathroom because my muscles were still in shock, sitting in a hospital bed for 5 days, alone, wondering what on earth did I do to make this happen.

My heart is still filled with the intense pain that I felt then as I write this. Wednesday I will go visit his grave, for yes he has a grave site. His life mattered. He was a beating heart, just like Adora was a beautiful soul taken much too soon. My babies are in heaven waiting for me, and even now as I am 27 weeks along with Samuel, nothing can ever replace them. They are special in their own way.

So with all the hubbub with the election going on and having just moved into a new home, deep inside, my heart still burns and aches with a pain that will always be there. A pain that takes my breath away and brings back those memories. I miss my babies and always will.


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