Beautifully Poor

You know how you have to write down people's birthdays on the calendar so you don't forget about it? Or even sometimes special days in your life, like your own birthday, or God forbid, your Anniversary! It happens all the time to me with a lot of things. But there are two dates I don't need to write down. Two dates that are burned into my memory so much so, that the days leading up to these dates are full of the memories they hold. Those two dates are 7-17-13 and 11-9-15; the days we lost Adora Ruby and Theodore Andrew. As Theodore's "birthday" is approaching, I can't help but remember those horrible days. I started spotting on Halloween; right before we went out for trick-or-treating I saw it. Nine days later I was in the hospital being told I wouldn't be going home, that in fact I had an ectopic and they would be doing emergency surgery that night. The numbness I felt can't ever be matched. I vividly remember asking for pain medicine, not b...

When we found out we were pregnant in early June, we were ecstatic! If you've been following my story, you know we have been trying to have another child for over 3 years now. With losing Adora in July of 2017 and Theodore in November 2015 it has been extremely difficult for us. And finally we have our rainbow. But it isn't all unicorns and butterflies. Not at all. See, from the experience I've seen from others, they get pregnant with their rainbow and seem to forget about their other babies. So naturally I thought getting pregnant and feeling the baby start moving and going to the appointments would be so exciting and ease the pain, if not eliminate it, from our loss. Boy was I wrong. Here are 4 things no one told me could happen when conceiving after loss: 1. It is scary Everytime I go to the bathroom I wipe and look. I am absolutely terrified of what might be on that tissue. It may sound gross, but if you've experienced loss, I bet you can relate. I ha...

While I have received compensation for this post from Fertility Planit , all opinions are my own. Trying to Conceive (TTC) can be a very difficult time for some couples. For myself and my husband, Lawrence, it has been full of ups and downs. It can be a lonely time, where it feels like no one else has ever lived the pain and disappointment. Well I am here to tell you that you aren't alone. Our Story Lawrence and I had our son in 2010. He was not a planned child but a very welcome blessing. When he was about 2 and a half years old we decided it was time to try for another baby. We were excited to try as we had never done that before. The first month we tried, we got pregnant. I was ecstatic because I thought it would take a lot longer than one month of TTC. We started planning and I made my first appointment with the doctor and we thought we were all set in completing our family. Boy, were we wrong. By week 6 and a half of my pregnancy I was at work and I st...

Losing a child is one of the worst experiences anyone can face. It is one of the most lonely losses because people don't remember with you or grieve with you unlike when an older child or person in general passes. They all have memories too; where as a small child, those are not there. Most people forget quite quickly what has happened to you and it is easy to leave it and downplay your own sorrow. But dealing with it is much smarter and will help you heal much quicker. How do I know? Because I've been there; twice. The first time was extremely hard and took me almost 2 years to recover from emotionally. This second time is so recent (November 2015) that I am still in the healing process. It started with denial and is now finally coming to a place where I can handle it. I was very happy to run into this book on a website. I didn't want to read it but knew I just had to. I needed help. I needed to not feel so alone. And most of all I needed God to help me through it...

A lot has happened in just the last few weeks that it is really hard sometimes to grasp the reality of things. For starters we found out we were pregnant on October 21st which was so very exciting as we have been trying for 2 years now. The excitement waned as Halloween came upon us and I started spotting. A few doctors appointments later and a hospital stay that lasted 4 whole days and we no longer have a baby on the way. What they thought was a miscarriage, then a hetero-ectopic pregnancy (a pregnancy in the tube or ectopic if you will, and a pregnancy in the uterus, so twins) turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy but which made surgery vital to my survival in the ordeal. I have been having a very real struggle with anger at God and a mad amount of frustration because of this ordeal. We have wanted another child for so many years to have the hope and excitement of it to be stripped so suddenly away was rather drastic and personally I feel quite uneccessary, but as most k...