Beautifully Poor

You know how you have to write down people's birthdays on the calendar so you don't forget about it? Or even sometimes special days in your life, like your own birthday, or God forbid, your Anniversary! It happens all the time to me with a lot of things. But there are two dates I don't need to write down. Two dates that are burned into my memory so much so, that the days leading up to these dates are full of the memories they hold. Those two dates are 7-17-13 and 11-9-15; the days we lost Adora Ruby and Theodore Andrew. As Theodore's "birthday" is approaching, I can't help but remember those horrible days. I started spotting on Halloween; right before we went out for trick-or-treating I saw it. Nine days later I was in the hospital being told I wouldn't be going home, that in fact I had an ectopic and they would be doing emergency surgery that night. The numbness I felt can't ever be matched. I vividly remember asking for pain medicine, not b...

When we found out we were pregnant in early June, we were ecstatic! If you've been following my story, you know we have been trying to have another child for over 3 years now. With losing Adora in July of 2017 and Theodore in November 2015 it has been extremely difficult for us. And finally we have our rainbow. But it isn't all unicorns and butterflies. Not at all. See, from the experience I've seen from others, they get pregnant with their rainbow and seem to forget about their other babies. So naturally I thought getting pregnant and feeling the baby start moving and going to the appointments would be so exciting and ease the pain, if not eliminate it, from our loss. Boy was I wrong. Here are 4 things no one told me could happen when conceiving after loss: 1. It is scary Everytime I go to the bathroom I wipe and look. I am absolutely terrified of what might be on that tissue. It may sound gross, but if you've experienced loss, I bet you can relate. I ha...

Losing a child is one of the worst experiences anyone can face. It is one of the most lonely losses because people don't remember with you or grieve with you unlike when an older child or person in general passes. They all have memories too; where as a small child, those are not there. Most people forget quite quickly what has happened to you and it is easy to leave it and downplay your own sorrow. But dealing with it is much smarter and will help you heal much quicker. How do I know? Because I've been there; twice. The first time was extremely hard and took me almost 2 years to recover from emotionally. This second time is so recent (November 2015) that I am still in the healing process. It started with denial and is now finally coming to a place where I can handle it. I was very happy to run into this book on a website. I didn't want to read it but knew I just had to. I needed help. I needed to not feel so alone. And most of all I needed God to help me through it...

A lot has happened in just the last few weeks that it is really hard sometimes to grasp the reality of things. For starters we found out we were pregnant on October 21st which was so very exciting as we have been trying for 2 years now. The excitement waned as Halloween came upon us and I started spotting. A few doctors appointments later and a hospital stay that lasted 4 whole days and we no longer have a baby on the way. What they thought was a miscarriage, then a hetero-ectopic pregnancy (a pregnancy in the tube or ectopic if you will, and a pregnancy in the uterus, so twins) turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy but which made surgery vital to my survival in the ordeal. I have been having a very real struggle with anger at God and a mad amount of frustration because of this ordeal. We have wanted another child for so many years to have the hope and excitement of it to be stripped so suddenly away was rather drastic and personally I feel quite uneccessary, but as most k...

October 15th marks Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. This came to pass when Ronald Reagan, in 1988, proclaimed October to be National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month. In his words: "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When a parent loses their child, there isn't a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS and other causes." Statistics show that 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage in their lifetime. I am 1 in 4. Since losing our Adora July 17, 2013, I have met many brave women who have experienced the pain from losing a child or children. It is one of the most painful experiences anyone...

Pregnancy Loss: A Tough Subject You just lost a baby. You were 4 weeks pregnant, 8 weeks, 16 weeks or even 36 weeks. That baby was YOUR baby. You are a momma. But other's don't understand and frankly cannot unless they have lived it. In July of 2013, July 17th to be exact, I lost my second pregnancy at 8 weeks along. I have a healthy 4 year old already so this pregnancy was supposed to be normal and healthy too. But it wasn't. That dream was crushed. We wanted that baby and had even tried to get pregnant and we did the first month. And all that hope was lost with one simple trip to the bathroom and one phone call to the doctor. Doctor visit, more blood, fever and stress. And it was over. Or was it? See what they don't tell you is that it never is over. It has now been a year and a half and March 1st would be my baby's first birthday. But she will be celebrating that birthday in heaven. How do I know it was a girl? I have been asked that by blunt people who have no...