Beautifully Poor

Just Mercy   by  Bryan Stevenson  is a book that describes the injustice of the prison systems, racial discrimination, and more specifically, the horrors of death row. What intrigued me most about this book is that racial discrimination is so rampant in the United States - it is actually quite sickening to me. I really had no idea that so many, including kids, get lost in the system to the point of wasting away in prison, even when they are wrongly accused.  The main account is about a man named Walter McMillan, who was wrongly accused of murder. The reasons behind him being accused are so heinous that it made me cringe at the way white people treated and still treat those of darker color.  Just Mercy  doesn't only account Walter's history in the system, but many others that  Mr. Stevenson  himself has helped, or those his non-profit organization,  Equal Justice Initiative , have helped. The information in the book is crucial, I beli...

Though I don't like to admit it, my miscarriage rocked my world in more ways than I thought even possible. One of those impacts happened in the bedroom and it almost ruined my marriage. What people don't tell you about a miscarriage is that it can really make you feel inadequate in many ways and it made me feel like I was hardly a woman. Women are made to have babies and my body couldn't even do that right. I let it eat me to the point of my isolating myself and even after the go ahead from the doctor to resume sex I refused for the longest time. When we did start again it was so robotic and boring. I didn't like to be touched anymore and felt like shit about it. Then came the time to start trying again and every month was a disappointment leading me to more depression, isolation and sex was a chore. Literally a chore. I would look at my fertility chart, tell Lawrence the days we had to have sex and that was the extent of it. Sometimes even then we didn't h...

Looking at life from different views ultimately helps a person move on from places they are stuck in, whether that be grief, financial hardship, etc. I have been having to struggle with this child loss and the grief this second loss instills in me, without fully knowing how to do so. I stood before God and screamed and cried like why did you not deliver me from this hardship? WHY!? I stand upright and believe and do what I know is right, what he wills me to do whether that be helping someone in need, someone not in need or just listening to his still small voice. I am by no means perfect whatsoever but I had to struggle through the "What the hell did I do to deserve this!" And let me tell you, it was a huge struggle. As I listened to Christmas music tonight I had a revelation. Maybe it is just me and sometimes I feel crazy when these things happen but I know it is right and true. Just because I am a follower of Jesus and love God and follow him in my life DOES NOT me...

People seem to want to believe that forgiveness is an overnight or immediate feeling. Like you decide to forgive and then those bad feelings about the person go away completely. Just like the puzzle pictured above, forgiveness is about putting the pieces back together. It takes time and a lot of effort. It's about re-claiming YOU from the person who tried to take part of you. Forgiveness is a choice one must make to move on with their lives. It is a process one must work through to finally get to the end of that long, dark tunnel. For everyone who has been hurt, which I am assuming we all have been, the decision to actually forgive is a big one. Holding onto the hurt, anger and possibly even hate seems so much easier than actually letting it go. The thing is, holding onto the resentment and feelings of anger only turn into bitterness which in turn starts seeping into daily life and into our reactions to family members and people in general. The anger, hurt and pain can be see...

My dad holds a special place in my heart. He has done more for our family then most men do. See, when I was 9 years old my mom married him and he adopted myself and my 3 siblings. He took us into his home and raised us as his own. He is always there for me when I need him and is such a wonderful man. I couldn't ask for a better person to have been my father in life than him. We have done a lot of fun things together, just me and him. He took me to Bristol, Tennessee to a Nascar race one year and that was a fun experience for a little kid! We've gone on canoe/camping trips together and I'll never forget the night I actually got to see the Northern Lights on that canoe trip. And those are just two that stick out in my head at the moment. He gave us opportunities we wouldn't have had otherwise in life. He taught me how to drive a stick, and I'll never forget one night out practicing driving and I hit a bear! A BEAR! Who does that??!!! Me and dad LOL. S...

July 11, 2010 Today marks my husband and I's 5th Wedding Anniversary. It is a special day, and rainy, just like the day we were married. They say rain means good luck on a wedding day. This is superstition of course but it is said to bring cleansing to the marriage of the past, the tough times and the bad memories. It is supposed to signify that the marriage will last, along with the blessing of fertility and that it will be the last day the bride will shed tears. Obviously these are superstitions but it is interesting as it was rainy then and is rainy now. I find it beautifully calming. These last 5 years have been a roller coaster of emotions. Every marriage is rough, I just feel blessed that we have made it through those tough times. Lawrence and I didn't have a traditional wedding to say the least. We had been dating a little over 5 years when I got pregnant with Benjamin. We had a shot gun wedding at the courthouse. Some would say that we had eloped. It wasn'...

I LOVE having fun. The things that bring me the most joy are being outside and seeing my kid have a blast. If all three of us are together, we can create some really fun memories, like we did on Thursday night. It had been raining on and off all day and we were supposed to get thunderstorms, but it was so sporadic and I had brats pulled out for dinner. Everyone knows brats are better on a grill and I just wanted some fresh air. It wasn't cold out at all so I asked Benjamin if he wanted to go on a picnic when daddy got home. He was all excited so I figured, yes, let's make this a good one! I grabbed the cooler and packed it. Made a pasta salad and boiled the brats. Got the plates and silverware, napkins, lighter and everything else we needed for a small picnic, including squirt guns. (It was kinda rainy already, so why not right?) When Lawrence got off of work, which was earlier than usual that day, we put on our flip flops and headed out the door. After loading the...

Sometimes one day in our life is just what we need to keep on moving forward. A little inspiration, encouragement and hope entering into our sometimes dismal worlds. Today just happened to be one of those days for me. My family and I went on a short hike at a new park my husband found. We climbed up steep hills meant for mountain bikes and followed small trails intended for wild animals. We were able to explore the woods and enjoy God's beautiful world and enjoy the peace and serenity only that can bring. What touched me most deeply was when Benjamin stopped me about 3/4 of the way through our hike. He pulled my face close to his and whispered in his sweet voice, "Dance with me, momma." So right there in the middle of the woods with only Lawrence looking on, I danced with my 4 year old. He hummed a sweet tune and spun me on the forest floor like we were in a ball room and I was a princess and him a prince. Then he grabbed my face and kissed my lips and said, "...

Accepting the Love  "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him, shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 NIV I have always struggled with acceptance. Whether it be by friends, family or even my husband. The only person I really feel who accepts me is my little boy, and that is because he is my child. No, I am not saying this to get sympathy; far from it. I know there are others who feel just as I do. It is hard to accept other people's love when you yourself feel inadequate and never good enough for that love. The thing is, with God's love, none of us are deserving of it. Romans 3:23 states that well: "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."   I certainly don't deserve it. Of all the things I have done in my life that I know are against His 10 commandments, or other things that we all know are wrong. Like lying or cheating. Most of these the world says are okay. Some of ...