Beautifully Poor

I didn't really post about my pregnancy much, mostly from fear, some because of guilt. Pregnancy after a loss, or in my case more than one loss, isn't all exciting and it is definitely a journey like no other. The first few months were terrifying, then they were exciting and then again towards the end that feeling of impending doom came back. The last month has been up and down emotionally and I'm not sure if it was just hormones or old fears coming back or both. What I do know is that now that Samuel is here, I have never felt a greater joy inside myself than I do now. Every birth is different but I can honestly say that this birth was so exciting and such a happy time for me. Labor went smoothly - my water broke at 12:30 am and we got to the hospital by 1:30 with contractions 3 minutes apart and getting more intense. By the time I was 5 cm I got an epidural, which I didn't do with Benjamin and I am SO glad for the pain intervention. With it, I was able to enjoy ...

When we found out we were pregnant in early June, we were ecstatic! If you've been following my story, you know we have been trying to have another child for over 3 years now. With losing Adora in July of 2017 and Theodore in November 2015 it has been extremely difficult for us. And finally we have our rainbow. But it isn't all unicorns and butterflies. Not at all. See, from the experience I've seen from others, they get pregnant with their rainbow and seem to forget about their other babies. So naturally I thought getting pregnant and feeling the baby start moving and going to the appointments would be so exciting and ease the pain, if not eliminate it, from our loss. Boy was I wrong. Here are 4 things no one told me could happen when conceiving after loss: 1. It is scary Everytime I go to the bathroom I wipe and look. I am absolutely terrified of what might be on that tissue. It may sound gross, but if you've experienced loss, I bet you can relate. I ha...

A lot has happened in just the last few weeks that it is really hard sometimes to grasp the reality of things. For starters we found out we were pregnant on October 21st which was so very exciting as we have been trying for 2 years now. The excitement waned as Halloween came upon us and I started spotting. A few doctors appointments later and a hospital stay that lasted 4 whole days and we no longer have a baby on the way. What they thought was a miscarriage, then a hetero-ectopic pregnancy (a pregnancy in the tube or ectopic if you will, and a pregnancy in the uterus, so twins) turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy but which made surgery vital to my survival in the ordeal. I have been having a very real struggle with anger at God and a mad amount of frustration because of this ordeal. We have wanted another child for so many years to have the hope and excitement of it to be stripped so suddenly away was rather drastic and personally I feel quite uneccessary, but as most k...