Beautifully Poor

You know how you have to write down people's birthdays on the calendar so you don't forget about it? Or even sometimes special days in your life, like your own birthday, or God forbid, your Anniversary! It happens all the time to me with a lot of things. But there are two dates I don't need to write down. Two dates that are burned into my memory so much so, that the days leading up to these dates are full of the memories they hold. Those two dates are 7-17-13 and 11-9-15; the days we lost Adora Ruby and Theodore Andrew. As Theodore's "birthday" is approaching, I can't help but remember those horrible days. I started spotting on Halloween; right before we went out for trick-or-treating I saw it. Nine days later I was in the hospital being told I wouldn't be going home, that in fact I had an ectopic and they would be doing emergency surgery that night. The numbness I felt can't ever be matched. I vividly remember asking for pain medicine, not b...

Though I don't like to admit it, my miscarriage rocked my world in more ways than I thought even possible. One of those impacts happened in the bedroom and it almost ruined my marriage. What people don't tell you about a miscarriage is that it can really make you feel inadequate in many ways and it made me feel like I was hardly a woman. Women are made to have babies and my body couldn't even do that right. I let it eat me to the point of my isolating myself and even after the go ahead from the doctor to resume sex I refused for the longest time. When we did start again it was so robotic and boring. I didn't like to be touched anymore and felt like shit about it. Then came the time to start trying again and every month was a disappointment leading me to more depression, isolation and sex was a chore. Literally a chore. I would look at my fertility chart, tell Lawrence the days we had to have sex and that was the extent of it. Sometimes even then we didn't h...