Beautifully Poor

Making Choices and Changes Change is scary. And it takes a lot of time and effort. If marriage is going to work, both parties need to be willing to make it work. If only 1 person does, they will eventually wear out from not getting anything back in it. I don't know one person who could go through marriage always giving and never getting anything back in return. In our case, Lawrence and I both had changes we had to work on.  I had to change my attitude towards him. If we were going to stay to together I also had to learn to forgive. The hardest thing for me to do was to forgive him for all the pain and hurt he had inflicted upon my heart. Changing your attitude towards a person is never easy either, but with God's help, I knew I could do it.  Lawrence had a lot of bad habits to kick, starting with the pornography. His counselor was/is fantastic and has helped him come a LONG ways from where he started. It makes a huge difference when you have someone helpin...

Hush Little Baby.... In May of 2013, Lawrence and I had decided it was time to start trying for another child. Our marriage was doing well and now was time we thought and Benjamin was 2 1/2 so he wouldn't be to much older than the baby once it was born. So that was that! We started to try for a baby. We got pregnant the first month! We were so excited! Everyone who has been pregnant that has planned it and it goes this smoothly at first knows that it is the best feeling ever! I was the happiest mama. In my mind things were just peachy with our marriage, we were on track with God and this was the American dream!!! We didn't tell anyone except my parents (Lawrence doesn't really talk to his mom or brothers) and my siblings. They were super excited as well! Benjamin was going to be a big brother. Everything was going great, I had my first appointment set and we were just waiting for the first moment we could hear the heartbeat of see our new bundle. But two weeks a...

Mirror, Mirror on the wall..... It is SO easy to look at other people and see what is wrong with them. I could blame everything on Lawrence, claim to be the perfect wife and mother and move on from here to continue our story. But that would be lies. I was no peach of a wife. Yes, I put up with a lot, but I was not perfect, FAR from it! It took a while for me to get to a place to sit and actually think about what I had done wrong in our relationship but I did, and here is what I came up with. I was selfish. I was angry. I was uncaring and plain mean.  Being a new mom, the lack of sleep just can pull one over on you. Before you know it you aren't even yourself and don't even feel right at all! But the main reason I was this way was because I wanted to be free still. I wanted to do what I wanted and I no longer could do that with a child. Some make parenthood out to be this fabulous thing, which it is don't get me wrong, but as a new mom, it can also be on...

When The Truth Comes Out When you fully trust someone and rely on them, lies and secrets can destroy a relationship. When lies are deep and secrets immense it can totally wreak havoc on the lives involved. Now, my husband will even admit that he was a liar and thought he played a good game. He had all the right words; everything to tide you over until the next bout of suspicion came on. That's how he got by. I wanted to believe him for the longest time until the evidence was just to clear to deny.  It started with the checks like I said in a previous post. When I finally threatened to call the payroll at his work and really find out what was going on (because come on, if she were really making those mistakes she would be fired) that's when he broke down and said he was taking the pay advances. It was him not her. Okay, now to find out what these pay advances were for. That was easy. Obviously he was using hundreds of dollars a month on weed and chew and stupid crap...

Hard Decisions This was the time we started having marriage problems because I didn't want pot in my house or around our baby and I didn't want drinking around him or anything like that. I was brought up in a very healthy environment where these things never happened. I was in my little world of trying to be a new mom and being a stay at home mom at that, and my husband worked his job at the local mattress factory which meant he was gone for long hours 5 days a week, sometimes 6.  I wasn't paying attention to his needs and he was in his own world of living the life we used to live but behind my back. I didn't find out about any of this and then we got an eviction notice from our landlord. He was in charge of our finances because he brought in all the money. I was just trying to get through life with little sleep and what felt like constantly feeding my baby. Benjamin was barely 1 1/2 months old when we had to find a new place to live and it was middle of D...

The days before the present.... Imagine this.  You are drowning. You jumped in the water. Not one person forced you. Some warned you against it, others cheered you on. Despite all this, it was ultimately you who chose to jump in. You know how to swim and you see the light, but you are stuck. Something is holding you down that you cannot see and you are now drowning because of it. The drowning isn't too painful. It is somewhat quiet and calm. But you know you can break free if you could only figure out what is holding you down.  That analogy is where I was at before I had my son. I had to figure out what my life was missing. What was I doing wrong. What choices had I made to bring me where I was. I had made lots of choices, most of them very bad choices. Until I faced my demons, I was that person drowning, though I saw the light. I had a job, I had lots of "friends", I could satisfy my habits, but I was lonely, broken and angry. Like I said in a prev...

Happy Independence Day In America we tend to too often take for granted our freedom, but on this special day, we remember those who served so we could be free! We are so blessed here to be able to worship and believe as we please and to go about our daily lives pretty much at a free will. Yes we have jobs to go to and bills to pay, but doesn't everyone? At least the majority of our paychecks land in our pockets or bank accounts unless we owe debt, which in all reality is our own fault anyways. In America freedom of speech is allowed (for the most part), women have rights, camping is a fun trip or vacation instead of a way of life, we get 4 day weekends for holidays & even holiday pay, and fireworks and BBQ's are part of the celebration for most. While we celebrate these next few days let us remember how truly blessed we really are. While we feast with friends and family and watch the beautiful displays of fireworks, remember that God has blessed America. The land of...

Another Day to Live I am not a morning person. Very rarely do I wake up and think "What terrific thing can I accomplish today?" Quite the opposite. I drag myself out of bed after my 3 year old jumps on me and tells me to "wake up" and to "come on, come on!" so impatiently. I laugh somewhere deep inside because it is super cute, I just really do not want to wake up yet. If he let me, I would probably sleep until 9am instead of being up at 6:30 or 7. The beautiful perks of being a blessed mom :)  I am not complaining. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me. If it weren't for him I would probably be the lame party girl I used to be. I grew up in a very strict, well-maintained Christian home. Was the best home for someone like me. My mom was single until I was 9 then she met my dad and they were married in 1996 and he adopted myself and my 2 brothers and my sister. Mom had left my biological father when I was 1 1/2 because of abus...