The Loneliest Loss

Pregnancy Loss: A Tough Subject

You just lost a baby. You were 4 weeks pregnant, 8 weeks, 16 weeks or even 36 weeks. That baby was YOUR baby. You are a momma. But other's don't understand and frankly cannot unless they have lived it.

In July of 2013, July 17th to be exact, I lost my second pregnancy at 8 weeks along. I have a healthy 4 year old already so this pregnancy was supposed to be normal and healthy too. But it wasn't. That dream was crushed. We wanted that baby and had even tried to get pregnant and we did the first month. And all that hope was lost with one simple trip to the bathroom and one phone call to the doctor. Doctor visit, more blood, fever and stress. And it was over. Or was it?

See what they don't tell you is that it never is over. It has now been a year and a half and March 1st would be my baby's first birthday. But she will be celebrating that birthday in heaven. How do I know it was a girl? I have been asked that by blunt people who have no idea the pain I hold in my heart. It was a girl because I really think she was and I named her Adora Ruby. My angel in heaven who knows I love her dearly, but who sits with Jesus and the angels instead of on this earth in my lap.

Thing is, after a loss you get condolences, maybe, for a few weeks, days or maybe not even that. The people around you don't really notice and life moves on for them. They make comments a few  like, "When are you going to try again?" or "How do you know what the gender was so early," (like previously stated) and the ultimate worst, "Well something must have been wrong with it so it's better this way." And the second worst, "It was God's plan." Yeah maybe it was b*tch but I don't need to hear that sh*t from your mouth! Did you just lose a baby! How dare you! Yes, yes. Those feelings arise; for me anyways. 

I write this subject because it comes right to my doorstep and into my heart. I have met many amazing women through my journey of grief who are even stronger than me but know that deep burning pain that arises every now and again out of the blue. The pain that makes me break down and cry because I should have a baby who would be learning to walk. I should have a baby waking me up every 5 hours in the night, a baby who has a wonderful older brother that is a sweetheart to her. But I don't. Not on this earth anyways. 

To all of you women out there who feel like you are alone: You are not alone. There are many of us out here, holding out in silence the rage, anger, fear and pain that boils within us. But we are afraid to speak it because friends will turn their backs, be offended or worse yet abandon us. They won't understand and therefore will react out of their own fear of not knowing what to say or do so they ignore you or back off, when all we need is a listening ear, a bottle of wine and an arm around our shoulder, letting us know that they are there no matter what even if they can't possibly understand the pain we are dealing with, and will always deal with. 

If you have gone through this or are going through this, feel free to message me. There is hope and you aren't alone. I will gladly talk with you and even introduce you to the grief groups that have so helped me through this lonely, dark time. Please reach out to someone who will understand.

Losing a pregnancy is heart-wrenching and extremely lonely. I say it is the loneliest loss because if you lose a parent, there are those around you that knew them as well and will join in on your grief. If you lose a sibling, your parents grieve with you and so do their classmates and the grandparents. A friend is lost and everyone else who knew that person grieves as well. You lose a pregnancy, you and your partner grieve, sometimes you grieve alone. Even our husbands, or boyfriends, can be cold in this instance. I have heard it plenty of times. But now you don't have to be alone. We are out there. Your fellow women, mother and confidant. Please feel free to reach out to me if you have gone through this pain or are going through it now. If you need an ear, I am here. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I am here. Leave a comment below and we will connect either through email or social media messaging.

You are not alone.