A Look in the Mirror
Mirror, Mirror on the wall.....
It is SO easy to look at other people and see what is wrong with them. I could blame everything on Lawrence, claim to be the perfect wife and mother and move on from here to continue our story. But that would be lies.
I was no peach of a wife. Yes, I put up with a lot, but I was not perfect, FAR from it! It took a while for me to get to a place to sit and actually think about what I had done wrong in our relationship but I did, and here is what I came up with.
I was selfish. I was angry. I was uncaring and plain mean.
Being a new mom, the lack of sleep just can pull one over on you. Before you know it you aren't even yourself and don't even feel right at all! But the main reason I was this way was because I wanted to be free still. I wanted to do what I wanted and I no longer could do that with a child. Some make parenthood out to be this fabulous thing, which it is don't get me wrong, but as a new mom, it can also be one of the hardest adjustments of your life. Having pretty much just quit smoking pot and cigarettes, not drinking, the hormone imbalance that comes with pregnancy and post-pregnancy really won itself over in my life. I let it get to me. I let myself feel as if I deserved more and better and that Lawrence should work harder and get me the things I deserved because I had given up everything for this child and him (such a martyr right?).
Well life doesn't work like that. When your body goes through all the chemical changes and hormonal changes it is up to you to take care of yourself to get those balances back in your life. I didn't. I tried exercising but was so exhausted from lack of sleep it wasn't regular at all. I wasn't eating well and my friends kind of disappeared and this was before I was involved really in the church. I just went on Sundays and left after service right away. It was tough getting back into that routine and making new friends. I am not extremely outgoing anyways so it is hard for me to make friends and I always feel inferior like people don't like me, making it even worse.
So in turn all these things made me not the nicest person to be around. Lawrence would get home off of work and I would demand a break from Benjamin and I would sit on my computer for an hour or so. I wouldn't pay attention to the fact he just worked 12 or more hours and probably mentally needed to just take a break and hang out. When we would fight I would just say the meanest things to him because he made me angry and I was just all in all angry!
At night, when we would actually have alone time, he would be watching a movie or something and I wouldn't want to so I would go in the bedroom and sit on my computer for HOURS on end doing whatever until he passed out on the couch. Our relationship definitely got strained because I pretty much put him off. I know for a fact now that he didn't feel loved and he felt like I didn't care about him anymore. I see that now. But at the time I didn't. I was too self absorbed to see or care about his feelings, because I had it so "rough".
After the first time I caught him taking money and smoking pot I would throw it in his face all the time. So much for forgiveness. I cut him down and made him feel terrible about himself when I had a chance and was just short with him. When he would make common mistakes I would cut him down with words and just make him feel terrible.