Change of Habits

The days before the present....


Imagine this. 

You are drowning. You jumped in the water. Not one person forced you. Some warned you against it, others cheered you on. Despite all this, it was ultimately you who chose to jump in. You know how to swim and you see the light, but you are stuck. Something is holding you down that you cannot see and you are now drowning because of it. The drowning isn't too painful. It is somewhat quiet and calm. But you know you can break free if you could only figure out what is holding you down. 

That analogy is where I was at before I had my son. I had to figure out what my life was missing. What was I doing wrong. What choices had I made to bring me where I was. I had made lots of choices, most of them very bad choices. Until I faced my demons, I was that person drowning, though I saw the light. I had a job, I had lots of "friends", I could satisfy my habits, but I was lonely, broken and angry.

Like I said in a previous post, I was brought up in Christian home. To me Jesus is the light. God is the only answer to that happiness everyone strives for yet can never reach without coming to their Heavenly Father. That deep emptiness I have felt so many times in my life. That horrid feeling that no one would care if I died and if I did take that knife and slit my wrists or OD on those pills in the cupboard. The hopelessness that causes us all to feel like the world is so big yet we are so small. That feeling can only be taken from us through the light of the world, who is Jesus. I know many will disagree with me, but without having this hope, this light and this love, I was a hopeless wreck. 



My mom is actually the one who I was talking to one day on the phone and I was telling her about how I felt about life and that I knew what I had to do but I was scared and ashamed of my life. She told us all to just come over to their house and we could talk and the guys could hang out in the shop.

So we went to my parents, who thankfully lived only about 10 minutes away. Benjamin fell asleep on the way so we put him in my parents room. My mom and I talked for about an hour about where I had let my life take me and some of my poor choices and my fears of turning from my habits and the way of life I had known for so long. She sat and prayed and cried with me and helped me take that ultimate step of turning my life around for the good and to serve God, not just myself.

After this day with my mom I had fully committed myself to being better. It wasn't just an idea in my head, it was a choice I fully made then and there that I wasn't going to be this pile of a person that I had become. 

This road I chose was a very hard one. My husband wasn't fully on deck with me, which I didn't know at the time but was soon to find out. I was still holding onto some of my old ways of thinking, having just had a baby so my hormones were still out of whack, and my old tendencies all together, drove this girl batty at times. I had to try to lean on God for my strength, yet not fully knowing how to yet, I did my best through what I would consider, one of the darkest times of my life. 


A little background on my mom.

My mom is a wonderful woman. She has had her share of hardships in her life, starting in her childhood and how her parents treated her and my aunts and uncles. There was every abuse imaginable & a parent who stood by and watched and did nothing to stop it and sometimes participated. At a young age she was drugged and raped, only to get no sympathy from her parents who told it was her fault. Then her marriage with my biological father. They met when she was in her teens and they both came to the Lord together. He was a great scheme artist, very manipulative and abusive as well. When she found out he was abusing us kids sexually and physically she didn't sit back like a lot of women do. She stood up and did something. She took us out of that situation and did what a lot of women won't do because it is so hard being a single mom. Especially a single mom of a 5,4, 2 and 6 month old.

It is just amazing where she is today. Only God can do something like that! I mention this about my mother so you aren't thinking how easy it is for people when God is in their lives or that people could only know God and love him if they had it easy in life or it is for the weak. Only someone who is strong willed in mind and soul could survive these things. I also want you to understand that my mom understood me and was rooting for me to change my life, but in the meantime was there for me even when I wasn't the ideal person.

My Beautiful Mother :)



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