Hush Little Baby

Hush Little Baby....

In May of 2013, Lawrence and I had decided it was time to start trying for another child. Our marriage was doing well and now was time we thought and Benjamin was 2 1/2 so he wouldn't be to much older than the baby once it was born. So that was that! We started to try for a baby.

We got pregnant the first month! We were so excited! Everyone who has been pregnant that has planned it and it goes this smoothly at first knows that it is the best feeling ever! I was the happiest mama. In my mind things were just peachy with our marriage, we were on track with God and this was the American dream!!!

We didn't tell anyone except my parents (Lawrence doesn't really talk to his mom or brothers) and my siblings. They were super excited as well! Benjamin was going to be a big brother.

Everything was going great, I had my first appointment set and we were just waiting for the first moment we could hear the heartbeat of see our new bundle. But two weeks after that, so about 6 1/2 weeks along, I started spotting. Okay I thought, this can be normal. It didn't happen when I was pregnant with Benjamin, but lets not freak out! I was at work when it started so I told a co-worker, who didn't even know and I had to make her promise not to tell my boss yet because I wanted to, and I called my doctor. They said to take it easy and they made an appointment for me the following Tuesday (it was a Friday) and that was the soonest they could get me in.

Longest weekend of my life. We got to the appointment and after my exam I knew by the doctor's face and reaction that it was a lost cause. We got to see our precious angel and see the heartbeat, but baby was already 1 week behind in growth and the heartbeat wasn't strong at all. My heart sank. Lawrence and I cried in that exam room in front of the doctor for a good 5 minutes. She was so good with us too. We made a follow-up appointment a week later to see how things were and I was to take it easy and not lift Benjamin or anything heavy. 

There was no blood after the exam so I thought maybe we would get to keep our baby! One day of hope! That night putting Benjamin to bed something felt off. I didn't feel pregnant anymore. Something was horribly wrong. I knew our baby had died. That night was the night our angel's heart stopped beating and we lost our tiny angel to heaven. The other weird thing is that Benjamin stopped suddenly and pointed to the ceiling and kept saying "baby, baby". You may think I am crazy, but I am pretty sure he saw our angel in our bedroom that very night. 

The next day I started bleeding heavily and I knew that was it. I knew the night before I hadn't been imagining and that my body was telling me everything that had happened. The whole miscarriage itself was hard, just because your body is literally giving birth just extremely slowly and less dramatic, but in my heart much more painful than actual childbirth where a baby is given at the end. Despite everyone's say, we went camping with two very good friends, just so I could get my mind off of it all just slightly and try to feel a little normal. 

By that Monday it was it's worst, so almost a week after the appointment and that's when it ended too. We went to the next appointment to have our fears confirmed and we were given our only picture of our angel. I was so depressed and so sad and so was Lawrence. We lost a child and now we have an angel in heaven waiting for us.  

Writing this post is very hard. July 17, 2013 is when we lost Adora Ruby Fuller. Exactly a year ago today. Her "birthday" is a very special day and I will never forget the brief moment she touched our lives.

My husband and I got matching tattoos on our left arms, in the crook where you would cradle a babies head. On the top it says,

"An Angel in the Book of Life wrote down my baby's birth, 

    then whispered as she closed the book, 'Too Beautiful for Earth'"

The bottom says,

"Adora Ruby Fuller 7-17-13
  Forever in our Hearts" 

We love you Adora. Mommy, daddy and big brother miss you so much. 


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