Coming to Terms
Looking at life from different views ultimately helps a person move on from places they are stuck in, whether that be grief, financial hardship, etc. I have been having to struggle with this child loss and the grief this second loss instills in me, without fully knowing how to do so. I stood before God and screamed and cried like why did you not deliver me from this hardship? WHY!? I stand upright and believe and do what I know is right, what he wills me to do whether that be helping someone in need, someone not in need or just listening to his still small voice. I am by no means perfect whatsoever but I had to struggle through the "What the hell did I do to deserve this!" And let me tell you, it was a huge struggle.
As I listened to Christmas music tonight I had a revelation. Maybe it is just me and sometimes I feel crazy when these things happen but I know it is right and true. Just because I am a follower of Jesus and love God and follow him in my life DOES NOT mean I am immune to life's general outcome whether that be hardships in marriage, financial hardships and the one I just faced: child loss. My life is like any other; I am not in a special club with special perks because of my beliefs nor am I any more special than any other person out there. God loves us ALL with the same love. Not one is higher on that totem pole and not one is lower. The only plus is that leaning on a God who is all powerful and the maker of the world, the one who loves us all beyond ANYTHING anyone can ever imagine, gives me peace and quiet understanding in these ridiculously hard times. There have been few times I have totally thought of rejecting the God I have grown so to love and understand. I have almost thrown in the towel a few times, whether it be from suicidal thoughts and almost actions or in blatant rebellion against what I know for a fact is true beyond true. I cannot abandon something I know is right and just. I cannot abandon the God of justice, love and grandeur. The one who created this world is beyond anything I can imagine. The one who sent his one and only son to die for us sick and disturbed humans. As we beat and curse him, stabbing a crown of thorns into his head and nailing him upon a cross to ultimately be taken by death and for God to turn around and prove that he is the almighty and can and did save us by having his son rise again so that we could possibly have the hope of eternal life; if only we choose to receive this free gift. All we have to do is accept the love and the gift of love he offers freely.
I accept that gift and want nothing more than to please my heavenly father. Though this strong disappointment has befallen my family, it is not because of something I did or did not do. It is because of life. We are all dealt different things and this is my dealing. Whether I go on to have any more healthy babies or if I'm only blessed with my son, I must still drive on in what I know to be true, just and right. To come out realizing that God does love me just as much as he loves you, dear friend reading this. May God bless you this Holiday season and may he show you his everlasting love. The love that is unconditional, beautiful and wonderful.