When Sorrow Knocks

A lot has happened in just the last few weeks that it is really hard sometimes to grasp the reality of things. For starters we found out we were pregnant on October 21st which was so very exciting as we have been trying for 2 years now. The excitement waned as Halloween came upon us and I started spotting. A few doctors appointments later and a hospital stay that lasted 4 whole days and we no longer have a baby on the way. What they thought was a miscarriage, then a hetero-ectopic pregnancy (a pregnancy in the tube or ectopic if you will, and a pregnancy in the uterus, so twins) turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy but which made surgery vital to my survival in the ordeal.

I have been having a very real struggle with anger at God and a mad amount of frustration because of this ordeal. We have wanted another child for so many years to have the hope and excitement of it to be stripped so suddenly away was rather drastic and personally I feel quite uneccessary, but as most know, God knows best, though I can tell you right now I am not quite sure I believe that right this minute. I'm not really sure what the whole point of this mess is, as I had just gotten through the struggle with bitterness and anger over our first loss, only to have those same feelings fighting there way to the surface of my soul once again. 

But life does go on. Somewhere down the road we will survive this mess, a mess that we know all to well. My body is in a lot of pain still from the surgery but we have been tremedously blessed by friends who have reached out to help with meals, small and very special gifts, cards and just the kind words. We have an amazing amount of support and I couldn't even begin to thank the multitude that has stepped up to help during this tumultuous time. If you are one of them and are reading this, you truly are an Angel and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. No amount of kindness is too small in this circumstance.

That being said, we did name our sweet baby who will be buried thanks to the wonderful staff at St. John's hospital in Maplewood. His name is Theodore Andrew Fuller, sadly gone from our lives 11-9-15. You will forever be in our hearts Theodore. Adora will take great care of you up in heaven.

To all of the parents who struggle with infertility or to keep a pregnancy, my heart goes out to you. There is no greater pain than losing a child.


  1. Rachel my prayers are with you and your family. I know it's hard but just remember that your faith in God is also having faith in his timing. He will not let you suffer in pain without allowing you to give birth to your own nation. Good things come to those who wait even though the meantime is enough to make you rip your hair out. My prayers are with you. You're not alone!

    1. Thank you so much Sheila. It is definitely hard to trust God during this terrible time but I sure am trying to keep it together.


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